I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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