Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
