I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
