so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
