Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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