My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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