Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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