Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
