I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
