The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
