and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
