somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
