i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
No stitches, just platelets and will power
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
