i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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