Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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