it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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