Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
