if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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