last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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