this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
