Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
