sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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