The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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