Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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