happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
