Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
