I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I think my moral compass just broke
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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