I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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