Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
