how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
