haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
