im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Randomize
