well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
