Can i not drive my cunt home
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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