So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
