im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
