ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
