I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
how drunk are you?
Several
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
