It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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