please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
