I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
