I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
