Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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