i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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