I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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