I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
so much tequila, so little girl.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
