he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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