Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
