cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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