last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
