either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just googled if crying burns calories
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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