i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
