His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
