Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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