I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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