I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Congratulations! We have a period
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
