Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
